R.I.B. - Ramblings In Brief - Four Years Waiting!!!!
There are far too many annoyances out there - too much crap all over the place, especially when it comes to that Culbec God-forsaken place - far too many annoyances indeed to promptly attend to, one at a time, intently and precisely, really... (We haven't had nor devoted time to that in years anyway, here - YEARS! But that is another story!) And why bother dealing with any of it in such depth, really? They are beneath us! Thus, we chose to adopt the expéditive and most efficient method here, permanently: blast it all to pieces, piece by piece, take no prisoners, be short and incisive, spare no one - give them no chance to retort! (The comments section remains open, mind you - SO, WE DARE YA!) But while BEING QUICK ABOUT IT like that, dishing out our punishment in a less painful way (the more lethal and virulent stuff, meant for a long and painful demise, goes to the Lambasting Blog!) with only little doses of pure poison at a time... we strike fatal blows nonetheless! (We think!) So don't get us wrong here: in doing it this way, we do not hope that it will be less painful for everyone involved - at all! Au contraire, we hope it will sting, stab, bite and burn even more furiously since none of these topics deserve any more time in the limelight than this (with one glaring exception now and then, really - but, to be honest, there are so few of those, it makes one want to cry, really...! But that is another story too...) therefore, none of these stories deserved or was dignified with a full post to call it its own anywhere else on the TLB Prime Network - at blogging time, that is!
Hence, here we go again... Brace yourself, Culbec...!
(Never to be confused with Cuba - although we'll be mentioning it, also...)
(Yes, this is yet another Culbec-specific post... yet again!!!)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
First off, turn on your speakers *LOUD* and click on this right here:
It is the perfect ambient music for your reading through what follows...!
Trust us on that... okay; all set? Speakers ON? Let`s go!
Meanwhile, sur TQS... euh, je veux dire V, bien sûr...
You donèt teach an old dawg new tricks, see: their "Cinéma Club" reeks of that old thing called ''Bleu Nuit'' that was the sole reason for anybody to watch TQS- ever - back in the day... The C.C. now features such classics as this one, starring former porn star Traci Lords in the coveted role of a... nurse.
Could it be that, deep down in their heart of hearts, Culbécois de souche et ''pure laine'' arbor nothing but hatred for their horrible winter season - and seek to escape it, at whatever cost, on the beaches of several southern destinations, actually...!
"The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all" - Mulan
We shall make the case that this applies wholly to one Jessica Farrar - in light of her proposition here:
(...never mind that she bases herself off this wretched latest net trend: THE MEME!)
In other news...
And that isn't half as funny as the homeowner in her twilight years that hadn't a clue that someone was living underneath her home - nor as horrible as the lottery winner who might have been poisoned with arsenic by, perhaps, a relative of his; a mere few weeks after having won the big one with a Loto-Quebec scratcher - yeah, that one had the SQ Clouseaus scratching their heads for a while! Maybe the guy's luckiest day of his entire life was, in truth, his unluckiest of all - ironically. But if you think that is the worst of these news capsules - think again.
Sheesh... just like the Army: McHale's or Hogan's or the Army of One... all basterds!
All the more reason to stick to HARD LIQUOR, one could be led to think!
Hence, here we go again... Brace yourself, Culbec...!
(Never to be confused with Cuba - although we'll be mentioning it, also...)
(Yes, this is yet another Culbec-specific post... yet again!!!)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
First off, turn on your speakers *LOUD* and click on this right here:
It is the perfect ambient music for your reading through what follows...!
Trust us on that... okay; all set? Speakers ON? Let`s go!
Watching TV in Culbec, one gets to be the witness of such aberrations, sometimes: there's this show, for instance, hosted by a somewhat well-known scholar from Montreal and two students/protégés of his (obviously) - at some point, this commercial flashes on the screen: ''électrons libres de Télé-Québec est fièrement appuyé par Francofête pour son usage impeccable de la langue française'' it said! Well... immédiatement après ce message pub, le collaborateur barbu du show de mes deux (!!) lance un "il s'en sacre" bien senti (à propos d'un chat, en fait, mais ce ne sont que des détails...) instead of the impeccable French expression of choice - in that case, ''il s'en fout'' maybe...?
Meanwhile, sur TQS... euh, je veux dire V, bien sûr...
You donèt teach an old dawg new tricks, see: their "Cinéma Club" reeks of that old thing called ''Bleu Nuit'' that was the sole reason for anybody to watch TQS- ever - back in the day... The C.C. now features such classics as this one, starring former porn star Traci Lords in the coveted role of a... nurse.
A murderous nurse, that is.
SPOILERS ALERT!!!
She wants to show she has range, one imagines:
she can do more than what she is best known for...
you know... the things she would act out,
when she wasn`t even of legal age to do so...
OK - let`s not go there!
The film is a proud production of these rather obscure studios we certainly have never heard of - they who must be specializing in ''made-for-TV'' fare, most probably... with unknown thespians and odd choices cast into key roles, just for good measure...?
Encore une fois, c'est les pubs qui sauvent le tout; on apprend que le numéro de téléphone de LPS n'est plus "two-five-four-six-oh-one-one" - pas vrai!
Par chance on retrouve une certaine paix intérieure avec les pubs de Vendirect (et son beat infernal) et Rogers, avec toutes ses belles promesses... Et puis, aussi, Samsung avec sa minutie obsessionelle concernant la qualité de leurs produits - et le rétablissement de leur réputation! But that's another story...
Let's flip channels!
This cute slogan may or may not hint at the fact that some 50%
of the employees at T-Q (formerly R-Q; you know
the story, don't you: I told it! Just because they wanted to be
like the country's national television, ''Radio-Canada''
these jokers called themselves ''Radio-Québec'' -
and it took them only about a quarter of a century
to realize that it was nonsensical for a TV station
to call itself ''Radio-whatever'' - they most
probably blamed it on the federal.)
as 50% of the employees of rival ''V'' (former TQS;
now, that stood for ''Télévision Quatre-Saisons''
nothing too inventive but nothing entirely
dumb either!) are members of some union
-sure- but also of the LGBTQ portion
of Sodom & Gomorrah there:
meaning Laval & Montréal...
We let you decide!
NOO-VO
Oh - what a pun!
Phonetic French!
NOUVEAU = NOOVO
(Même si, en fait, ça marche pas en Français...
KUDOS (koodos?) for the effort... doh!)
And all it means is that you can access all the crap
that ''V'' there broadcasts (almost all)
at any time you want now -
online too.
It is enough reason to cry, yes...
Maybe it's a better way to survive the winter blues -
by popping up the jam - or trying to?
POP... POP DE JAM
PUMP IT UP
PUMP IT IN AND PUMP IT OUT...?!?
Tears are being shed... still.
The commercials abound about CUBA, though, all over CULBEC...
one wonders why, hmm?
Could it be that, deep down in their heart of hearts, Culbécois de souche et ''pure laine'' arbor nothing but hatred for their horrible winter season - and seek to escape it, at whatever cost, on the beaches of several southern destinations, actually...!
Indubitably.
Next!
"The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all" - Mulan
We shall make the case that this applies wholly to one Jessica Farrar - in light of her proposition here:
And that isn't half as funny as the homeowner in her twilight years that hadn't a clue that someone was living underneath her home - nor as horrible as the lottery winner who might have been poisoned with arsenic by, perhaps, a relative of his; a mere few weeks after having won the big one with a Loto-Quebec scratcher - yeah, that one had the SQ Clouseaus scratching their heads for a while! Maybe the guy's luckiest day of his entire life was, in truth, his unluckiest of all - ironically. But if you think that is the worst of these news capsules - think again.
Free hip replacements - wow. It is not TRUMP with his replacement for Obamacare that will be able to provide that...! We will abstain from commenting... rambling... lamenting over the Mourdock Mysteries there... CBC's Murdock should have sued, perhaps...?
All the more reason to stick to HARD LIQUOR, one could be led to think!
OH YEAH...
We're feeling FUERTE tonight, alright -
what about you, hombre?
Does one really need more evidence of the bad, sad news that wretched corner of the globe has got in store for you, day in and day out? Well... Here it is:
Of course they start with ''how bad things are
elsewhere around the globe''...
... before focusing upon local stooges...
Then it's time to expose (for the umpteenth time)
how fraudulent bank practices really are:
TD Bank...
RBC...
Scotiabank...
all of them!
And then... sports.
NONE more pathetically sad than that LAST
one... or two!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
That'll teach ALL the Clods out there: if they cannot cut it in a good town, why would they even think that they would have any luck at all in that particular wretched place, where the fans are like beer-guzzling zombies obsessed with 1993, the number 24 and have yet to realize that they NEVER deserved a winner - in ANY sport! But I am digressing...
The real sad news (and reasons why Culbec denizens and other tools of the sort are keen on morphing into Snowbirds headed for Florida, Cuba and further south still - but not much further than that; because they can't afford it!) are these:
A mere little BLIZZARD, late in the winter season
-clearly the last snowstorm of this one-
took the entire Culbec
COMPLETELY OFF-GUARD...
People were stuck on Highway 13
(ever the lucky number)
where hundreds were stranded an entire night
even though calls were lodged to 9-1-1...
But the problem apparently was that the city
takes care of 9-1-1 services; but the highway
is in the provincial jurisdiction!
AND 9-1-1 DID NOT RELAY THE CALLS TO THEM!
Plus: somebody was asleep at the console because
there are cameras all along those highways
and for nobody to have known it was ''serious''
until the next morning, and between 300 and 500
people were forced to sleep in their cars,
without food or drink...
WOW...
The Incompetence Is Strong With These Ones!
Oh yeah - beauties were priosners... prioryers... prioners ?!?
Gosh - it's contagious!
They can't spell ''PRIONNIÊRES''
(PRISONNIÈRES, really)
and neither could we, for a sec here!
Ohh... Let's do this again:
BEAUTS WERE MADE PRISONERS
OF THEIR OWN BEASTLY CARS
- but they didn't die!
Several guys did die, however:
one old-timer was found dead in his car
after he had spent a considerable amount of time
trying to shovel it out of the snow...
Another old-timer, same thing:
dead inside his car.
Two other guys were stuck in theirs
in some no man's land -
hypothermia sank in and got them
and no one got to them on time:
not the Sureté, not local police,
nor firemen - nobody!
Another guy keeled over dead
after the extreme effort
of shoveling the snow...
ON TOP OF THAT, one snow-plow machine
accidentally killed a pedestrian
that it couldn't see because the snow
formed a six-foot tall wall...
IS THERE ANY DOUBT THAT ALL OF THESE SNOWBIRDS
WOULD HAVE RATHER TAKEN FLIGHT, QUICK,
AND FLY AWAY AS DEEP SOUTH AS THEY COULD?
AND NOT TO ''PARTIR POUR... QUEBEC'' - NO!
''LE PAYS QUI N'EST PAS UN PAYS - MAIS L'HIVER''
AND YET (I?) WHEN THERE'S SOMETHING
IN THE SLIGHTEST LIKE THEY SHOULD BE USED TO,
IT RESULTS IN SENSELESS TRAGEDY:
ICE RAIN CRISIS... SNOWSTORMS... BLIZZARD.
No wonder there will be a class action suit here -
incompetents MUST PAY.
STILL, THE NITWITS MANAGE TO IGNORE ALL THAT
AND MAKE THEIR HEADLINE, THE NEXT DAY,
ALL ABOUT A MONTREAL MORON
THAT PLAYED HOCKEY
DECADES AGO -
AND DIED ALREADY
but not because he had to shovel any snow now,
nooooooooooooo...!!!
He probably never did again
THE REST OF HIS LIFE
from 1955 until the very end
- wasn`t he the CH Ambassador,
after all - their *diplomat*
and, maybe, the only one of them
who could carry an intelligent conversation
beyond the two-minute mark,
though monotonous at best,
boring as heck
and basically clueless
about anything that had not a thing to do
WITH HOCKEY...???
R.I.P. Blizzard Victims -
not you, Béliveau!
NEXT!
But they never give up, no, they never do; they will want to pretend that all is well and that there are plenty of worthwhile ways to waste your time and money all about town - even when mere snow is killing people left and right...
Here are some of those hack... ack... activities... prickled from the newspapers again, in our own, extremely acerbic version of une revue (ou un fil... hein, Ariane?) de presse...
ANGÉLIQUE...?
Black Angélique - sort of Black Emmanuelle, you know?
As alluring as the original one -well, almost- but not all there...
In this case, she has a lot in common with Nero -
the Roman Emperor, that's right: that Nero!
Who knows what possessed Lorena Gale
to write a play about this crazy...
The fact that she might have been innocent?
Or that there were no other inspiring subjects at the time?
One thing is for darn sure:
this Angélique has nothing to worry about...
Next!
One has got to be torn, here, between these two choices:
visual arts based upon the sentiment of SHAME -
and the so-called poetry of one Gaston Miron.
Quite frankly, we prefer symbolism
over maladroitly pieced together rhymes
read with an accent and a keen preference
for that abomination called joual...!
Miss Dong... we are coming!
The MAI seems tailor-made for us...
Now, from the same reference,
a drunken suggestion:
Thundercats never encouraged drunkenness - what is this @#$#%$@...?!?
Anyway...!!!
Some art
- TRUE ART -
may yet restore one`s faith in humanity...?
Okay... Never mind!
Maybe we ought to escape reality altogether instead...
''Zoe'' there looks a little and a lot like
the main character in ROGUE ONE...
Just a coincidence, I'm sure.
Another GoFundMe triumph...
Now, as far as those new talents go, below,
two look suspiciously familiar - not ''new'' at all...
And two look just like bimbos bound to be
forgotten after fifteen minutes... or less.
Maybe this artist has more staying power -
especially as she associates with another one,
post-departum...
One can try as one may,
admiring the arts of these people... ce peuple... le publum?!?
No, let`s not go latin now...
Try as one can, though,
their greater quality of simply being INEPT
always comes to the fore in spectacular ways,
completely obliterating everything else -
I mean, just read this headline now...
HOW PATHETIC CAN YOU GET TO BE...!?
More? Here`s more for ya:
Another one to thank the typesetter for, right here...
Want MORE??? HERE IS MORE!
GOD-DAMNED QUACKS!!!
AARGHHHHHH...!!!
That last shot of a bonafide leprechaun
(the mayor of Montreal; Denis Coderre)
truly says it all...
AND THESE MORONS
WHO CAN`T EVEN SETTLE ANYTHING
NOR FIX THEIR OWN PROBLEMS
THINK THEY HAVE GOT EUROPA
AAAAAALL FIGURED OUT...???
HUH?!?
HUH?!?
My God... MY GOD...!!!
One last FARCE...
Oh yeah... rrrrrrrrrrright... absolutely!
THE MOST ANCIENT MICRO-ORGANISMS
AND FOSSILS EVER FOUND
ARE FROM THE CULBEC:
RRRRRRIGHT ON!
Life started there, so miserably -
and it perpetuates this pathetic tradition now!
And in true sad news from the aquatic side of things
department, now:
Once again, the editors... pagesetters... whatever old profession it is
that will die with the newspaper industry when it folds...
they show their empathy, their sympathy, how much they care...
by juxtaposing a picture of a naked chick, getting a massage,
(in a hut on the beach, maybe?)
with this gripping story...
Like, who cares about the coral reef -
when we can still enjoy our vacation - right?
Swine...
It comes upon them, however -once in a while- to actually choose
judiciously the headline story - something poignant,
something heart-wrenching...
It can happen - to be fair...
And here it is:
Figures that it is not ''une Culbécoise pure laine''... at all.
News outlets there, though, have it set as a rule:
when too much crap is being spread about
concerning local leaders, governmental bodies
and the like - blame America!
... for bloodsheds abroad...
... for an eventual World War III.
BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS WORSE SOMEWHERE ELSE -
AND ALWAYS BETTER... COLDER for sure...
''AU CULBEC''
!
Labels: Canadiens = rien, CNBC, CTV Newsnet, lambasting simulpost, Monotone, Montreal, news ticker follies, Quash Quebec Time - again, Quebec specific post - again
posted by Luminous (\ô/) Luciano™ at 12:00 AM
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