ramblings in writ: Special CUSTOMARY Edition...!

R.I.B. shall return... in due time!
Right now, we have got to make an exception (yup, another one) and ramble on about ONE SINGLE SUBJECT AND ONE SUBJECT ALONE...

It's summer time again (or it will officially be so, very, very soon) and vacationing is an integral part of that. Us humanoids have that intrinsic yearning to explore, go places we haven't been before, expanding both our horizons and our territory, so to speak...

To the Americans, I say: don't come to Canada.
And to the Canadians, I'll say the same thing: don't go to the USofA...!

When the average American crosses the border with his car, he'll find places like St.Bernard-de-Lacolle: washrooms may be open 24 hours at the touristic site there (touristic site? Call it a wasteland and it will be far more precise and exact!) however, what passes for a Souvenir shop never is. The best you can hope for are two vending machines: one for junk food and another to extort some money from you in another ingenious way - selling you cheapie Tourisme Québec publications that should be FREE of charge but are, instead, symbolically priced ONE DOLLAR apiece...

But speaking of extortion - the American side does it better.
As always, Americans are better at everything: are they not?

When the average Canadian goes over there and gets stopped at the U.S. border: no pep talk is allowed. Americans act all holier-than-thou and, if they don't like your smirk, they can refuse you the "privilege" of crossing into their punk of a country: yes, I said PUNK OF A COUNTRY! Why, you ask - well, "punk" because, come on now, let's face it, any country with less than 500 years of true-blue (not red-white-and-blue, folks; just plain ol' true blue) history, is wet behind the ears indeed (and wet in other spots, too! But let's not get into THAT now...! That might be for a future post: AMERIXXXA...!)

Americans love their Colleges; oh yeah they do.

Some call it ''COLLAGE''

Everytime I cross the border or fly through and have a stopover there, I do NOT feel like I am standing upon hallowed ground: it is merely the main port of commerce to be found, that is all it is. On the contrary, whenever I am in the good ol' U.S. OF A. there, I feel like I am threading where Angels are not afraid to thread as much as they are in fact repulsed by the mere idea of threading upon THAT...! Mind you, knowing what I know, I get the exact same feeling in Montreal, Toronto, Vancouver... Those are purported to be Canadian cities but everybody knows that they really are American property, unofficially, part of the overall 51st State that is still called Canada (or 51st through 63rd or 64th, whether you count Nunavut or not...!) - and you can thank U.S. patsy Stephen Harper for that! But that's another sordid story...

And yet, and yet - baby borderline born yesterday in 1776 thinks it can dictate so much in the world - better yet, it demands respect and will systematically extort cash, in small doses, each and every time that it can... All for the PRIVILEGE and HONOR of crossing onto their hallowed ground! Right.

Right on indeed: because if the average Canadian citizen that we speak of here (in our merely hypothetical example, of course) is to be found out to be a Permanent Resident - born in another country (one with a far greater, older, richer history than the USofA - but virtually any country can be found to qualify in that exact same way) - first, they'll need to fork over in excess of a HUNDRED BUCKS to get a VISA; not a credit card, no, a visa dammit, the kind that clears passage... But it doesn't entirely clear anything for, each and every time you'll come to the border, they'll check you out in a special corner, in a special and exclusive way, asking you WHY you're DARING to cross the border AGAIN... Why do you dare to want to gain access to the territory of the United States of America AGAIN. What is your business there, what is your purpose there, what do you WANT...? AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN! And, the capper of all this is that, each and every time, it will cost you SIX MORE BUCKS. Bargain price extortion. It doesn't matter that you paid for that visa already, noooo: the visa is the gift that keeps on giving to the government of the mighty USofA. Such is the heritage of the morons who let in any and all terrorists (most probably knowingly) allowing them to stage the 9/11 tragedy - gaining a ticket for the number one economic stimulus of all stimuluses: war. That "war on terror" thing ran its course, though, and a new conflict will be needed soon in order to properly reboot the stagnant American economy: but that is another extremely sad story...

One thing is for sure: those extorted dollars (six measly ones at a time) won't be enough for the reboosting of the economy! Even if a thousand people are screwed over this way repeatedly, over and over again, basically paying their visa many times over as they cross the border more than a dozen times per year (heck, some can cross it 50 times or more, for business purposes! Pocket change for Uncle Sam!) the ailing U.S. economy won't benefit from that at all. They'll still need an umpteenth inane abstract war (let's try one on FEAR, this time? Or a "War on Paranoia" - how about that? War on your own incompetence, nitwit ninnies! You'd never think of THAT, not in a million years, EH?) in order to truly get anything $ignificant going at all, over there, I am sure... Another pathetic story going on right there, yup. Now, okay, I admit I paint an extremely grotesque picture here: the six bucks isn't a big deal at all (donate to the dim-witted) and, in matter of fact, can be waived off (though it hasn't yet in the closest case that I have observed!) in time... It really is the annoyance of being given all that ''special attention'' each time you DARE cross that damnable border; so much time WASTED FOREVER there!!! Give it back, Amerika - give us back our LOST TIME!!!
No you won't - you damn bastarrrrds!

But back to my crossings of the border - for it was such a marking experience, this latest one - such a marking and traumatic one... on them!
For, as I overstayed my welcome at the U.S. border, and the stay prolonged itself, on and on, as I got ''the privilege'' to speak with another U.S. customs guy... and another... and then the super-sized one... eventually word got out to their supervisor, who elected not to confront me (COWARD!) and simply let me be... Good choice, supe. GOOD CHOICE - FOR YOU!
I got to be labeled as an ''arrogant Canadian'' (HA - I don't want to be EITHER - especially not the C-part! And besides, it's an oxymoron - you morons!!!) and the spectre of having my privilege of being allowed to pass that border and access the grand B.S. - excuse me, U.S. OF A. territory not granted evermore was brandished in front of my eyes, with extremely vague allusions to Guantanamo Bay that I conjured up all by myself...!
It was all déjà-vu for me, verily, and I wrecked my memory cells trying to remember where I had seen something like it - until it just came to me and here it is for you all to behold as well:

You get the message - you see the evidence and you get the idea: Americans are rough-around-the-edges troglodytes that haven't got a clue but act as they do: and THAT, my friends, is VERY, VERY DANGEROUS. Potentially, it could be fatally dangerous, on a global scale. That is nothing new, though, for that danger has existed for DECADES. GOD Has Had Mercy on us for a long while now, already! The question is: how much longer can that last... If you think the troops were ooky like that back then, you have got to realize that it didn't get any better with the years: it got WORSE, MUCH WORSE! If the Devil's Brigade was wild, imagine the turds who have been enlisted nowadays: rugged rednecks and damn dirty yanks alike, who have it in their genes to be abysmal already (why, it's just the American way) and they have de-evolved some more since, getting super-sized in the process, filled up chock-full of chemicals and other unholy things, brainwashed to think that they are the "chosen ones" who can dictate to the ENTIRE WORLD how things should go, because they are the LEADERS OF THE "FREE WORLD" and home of the falsely brave, on top of that - my, oh, my, what would be the difference here with the Third Reich, again?

It is exactly as the Canadian says it in the end of the scene you just saw on the above screen: God Save us all! God Save us from AMERICA! The same that wanted You to Bless it, once upon a time - but not anymore apparently; not since the move to secularisation got into high gear there, no!

For America has got the control on the entire globe, despite recent trends that have monopolies shifting towards other countries in key areas - but all that will do is ignite MIGHTY AMERICA to trigger another abstract, falsely ideological and really all-about-material-gains WAR on everybody...!

Any wonder I see America as the home of the Devil instead - and the land of GREED?

But back to the Devil's Brigade then: when the Canadians arrive, they look oh-so disciplined in comparison... All in formation, all with sharp and well-groomed uniforms and allure alike. The truth is, if (and it is a big IF) the EH? troops are like that, it doesn't mean squat really: since they represent an infinitesimal percentage of the Canadian population! The majority does NOT go through military service at all: this is not Cuba, after all, this is CA-NADA! (Or should I retell my old favorite: the "Nem Cana Dà" legendary folktale that explains it all...?!? No? Okay - too bad... for you!)

Still, Canadians are, overall, a different breed than the average American: less prone to be obsessed with national pride, less confused therefore, considerably less idealistic - Canada being much less of a nation of dreamers, overall, less prone to gobble up anything that their leader will say... In brief, they're substantially less moronic! Perhaps it is the quality of their immigration that helps in that...? They rely so heavily on those, these days, just to replenish the taxes-paying base of the population, you know...

(Mind you, all this is not a knock on dreamers per say: however, in world politics and the state of affairs around the globe, it does not pay at all to be a dreamer; better be a realist! Just saying...)

And that basic difference, or CAN-AM dichotomy, is very much reflected in the choice of personnel one sees at the border - and let's take the Champlain, NY "port of entry" for example...!

These guys, on the American side, simply lack in manners, treat you as they're doing you a favor by letting you into their polluted part of the country that stands like a sore thumb on the stench factor alone and to top it all off, they apply their administration's rules like inane automatons.

I tell you: that is not the way it is on other ports of entry into the United States; in Vermont, they have class, address you with respect and do not seem so inept at multi-tasking as these guys do, in Champlain! The Champlain Champs they are not - let's call them the Champlain Monsters?

Sorry, Champ! I'm sure you have preferred Nessie's company, instead...! But all you got is those dweebs behind door C...

I always get a kick out of the U.S. warning - since they are all allowed to pack some ammo over there (hey, the NRA said it: owning a weapon is constitutional! Bless your soul, Charlton Heston!) and they can pass the ammo, too, but every public place that worries whatsoever about having a shooting spree within the confines of their sanctimonious lair has to basically advertise that they want no GUN in there! It would be so funny if it wasn't so PATHETIC. I mean, JUST LOOK AT THIS:

Never mind the fact that anybody can shoot anybody else on our ALL-AMERICAN STREETS, full of red, white and black-and-blue BULL: HERE, we do not want any of that, folks! You're packing some ammo? Stay out! Or leave it in your glove compartiment - for now... You can always take it out again and use it as much as you want, say, on the next Black Friday or something...! Shoot that bastard that got the last Plasma TV that *you* wanted and were owed, by your ALL-AMERICAN RIGHTS...! Home of the consumeristic freedom and land of the gun-toting bravehood...! Me? I don't need a gun. But that's another story, too...!

If, by the saddest of chances, you crossed the border by bus, hiking, hitchhiking or just by parachuting there out of nowhere, you may have no choice but to carry your backpack with you... You want to take a leak? Sure, they have toilets. America has it ALL, baby! The best septic services in the WORRRRLD (we'll get back to that, amazingly enough) - but there will be a problem with you once you cross that port of entry's sliding doors - because they can be imaginative (yes!) and they will imagine the worse: you're carrying a bazooka in your backpack, or any of a 1001 lethal substances that terrorists love so much! You're a terrorist until proven not guilty, basically! You'll have to be searched, sign a declaration, avoid eye contact or talking back - oh no, no pep talk, witticisms or snarky remarks allowed, otherwise you're branded with having "an attitude" and, even though they love "attitude" in their "rasslin" and all, the American good ol' boys hate it when a foreigner displays any! Never mind the fact that they mistake esprit or panache with attitude - forgive them for they haven't got a clue how to tell them apart! If you talk back too much or protest too vehemently in any way, you may see that honor, that tremendous privilege of being let into the United States of Amerika, if only for a few days or even a few hours, revoked and you will be sent back, turned away at the gates, banished back to dreary ol' Cay-n'da!

Makes me think of Jay Leno's joke about being "prostituted and immediately ejaculated from the premises" - he and a plethora of comedians have so many of these HILARIOUS plays on words that are routinely based upon the average American's way (or lack thereof) with proper grammar, spelling and words in general!

But hey - what else can we expect from a country with methods like these:

Maybe it is true then - maybe we already do have a FASCIST AMERICA on our hands!

Here is the *new* spirit of 76 for ya, on the playlist below

- yeah, well, the darn thing used to have 76 videos on it!

(And just count your blessings, Amerika, and be happy

that I didn't bother making one myself just so

I could include this on the playlist...!!!)

So there it goes - F.A.T. all-american boys (and gals) -

you sure do have a super-sized Amerika on your hands, all right!

And here is where it's headed with that:

Told you we'd tackle the septic services there again:

courtesy of M.S. (Morrisonville Septic)

we could relieve ourselves, vent some frustration

and let America really know how we really feel about it, sometimes...

No, not all the time - just on some very precise instances...

For you gotta love America, overall...

And you gotta love M.S. and their slogan:

J. Morrison would be proud - the wrestler, not the singer!

But let's just get back on Customs' Case right now...

This goes to both U.S. Customs agents as to their Canadian counterparts - heck, to all Border Patrol men and women around the world! I know that your job is one rife with pressure - and potential dangers lurk around every corner! Hey - you had it coming. But you have got to understand one thing: your job description does not warrant you to simply bark orders to just anyone you see coming your way! You have to be courteous, diplomatic (as it is, you are representing your country indeed: and, man, I tell you, that super-sized oaf who talked to his supervisor about letting me IN, into his God-forsaken country, as if he owned it, who demanded respect while he had almost no clue how to dispense it, well, let's just say that that fat boy would have left me with a very bad impression about Americans and what they really are - that is, if I didn't already have a very acute, precise and well-defined impression of what they really are all about! But I am digressing - aren't I? Fat boy doesn't even deserve so much publicity - do say hello to him from me, though, when you cross the border at the Champlain port of entry: call him the port of entry porc - he will never get it.) - now, where was I? Ah yes: basically, customs agents have to greet people into the country, inform them, welcome them - not alienate them and make them feel like they entered George Orwell's world! (It can always be worse, of course: it could be George Lucas' world! Or Curious George's world? But hey - it's bad enough as it really is: Georges Washington, Bush and Dubya's world!!!) Customs agents have to be able to handle their task: they have to be able to rein in the stress and multi-task, being crystal clear on everything they say, say things in advance, predict what people's needs and questions will be upon having to talk back to them, say it all in a polite manner and absolutely avoid barking orders like drill sergeants they all desperately aspire to be! If they sense something is not clear, or downright wrong, they have to address the person or persons in a tactful way, make extremely clear what they'd like from him or from them and completely avoid to be brusque, blunt in any way at all. From what I've seen, some have mastered that fine art - most, if not all at the Champlain port of entry (to name but one place...!) sorely need to practice their people skills and I'd advise their anonymous (!) omnipresent if not omniscient but totally invisible supervisor to enroll them all in a basic customer service course - 101. It's never too late - fat boy, for instance, is only beginning his "career" there: he can still learn and apply what he'll learn, too; if he applies himself...! Of course, given his dietary habits and overall lifestyle, one can hazard a guess that his career will be short indeed: but I give it another solid six months of annoying the hell out of vacationers like myself...! He mangles only one language, at least - while Canadian border dudes mangle two at a time...! But that's yet another sad, oh-so-sad story... One last thing, customs agents on both sides of the border lines: you are only the mouthpieces, hands and paws of your administration. In the (not-so-eloquent) words of one of your all-American zzzheroes, KNOW YOUR ROLE - and do not overdo it! Uncle Sam is not really your uncle and Captain America is not really your captain. You don't have x-ray vision like Superman does - but then again, Supes is just papier maché and is, in fact, 50% Canadian due to Joe Shuster, as I reminded customs the other day! I call him Soupesy anyway - not only due to that either...! All Americans think that they are Supermen; alas, all that they can be is super-sized and that's just not good enough for much at all. Anyway - so, you don't have x-ray vision and, thus, you have to go through things when there is a doubt in your little minds or your little rules and regulations appear to have been breached - don't overdo it then! You will achieve a hell of a lot more by obtaining collaboration and smiling to the individual instead of trying out your best Judge Dredd impersonation and making personality profiles out loud...

Back on the Canadian border though, you get gems such as

this one

on the way back from the USA: